Punk Band

Alright, so bein’ thug didn’t fly. I basically lacked the motivation to do all the stuff required. So, I am looking for a new goal, which will look equally impressive to the ladies, but require much less effort on my part.

What I’m getting at is that I’m going to start a band. I will of course be the lead singer because of all the band members they get laid the most – and that is the whole idea. If you would like to join my band you may submit your resume as a comment. I figure I need a drummer, guitar and bass players. Other instruments may also be included, so don’t feel bad if you have spent the last 15 years of your live learning to play the piccolo and think you’re being left out.

The genre shall of course be punk. I don’t generally like punk music, but I shall form a punk band because it is the easiest of the genres to master. My job will be standing center stage looking like a tool yelling into a mic which is then broadcast to the crowd by speakers that are being driven by an amp three times to large for them. When performing punk it’s much more important to sound bad ass than to actually sound good.

Now for the roles still to be filled, and please specify the role in your application:

1. Bass player, must know at least three chords and be able to play them in any order at a moderate to fast pace. Rhythm is not really necessary, that’s what we have the drummer for and you don’t even really have to be able to follow him/her very well.
2. Guitar player. Electric guitar is pretty much the basis for all punk as we know it. As with the bass player, minimal knowledge and skill with the instrument is acceptable. Most of the time, our sound equipment will suck enough that the same note could come out 6 different ways, so with a repertoire of only 4 or 5 notes, you should be able to piece together most songs pretty well. It’s kind of like revolutionary war times though – spread the notes apart a little, you never know exactly which one you’ll hit once our sophisticated audio equipment has it’s way with your music, there’s no point in knowing an F, F#, and G if they’ll all come out somewhere in the range of C and B flat of the next octave.
3. Percussionist. Rhythm preferred, but not really necessary. Your job will consist of energetically banging on cymbals and drums for the duration of the show. If you can provide your own drums, that’s a plus, even if they’re pieces of shit, or if they’re stolen from the local high school – because that would make you one hell of a punk.
4. Guy on synthesizer. You’re going to be filling in for any instruments we don’t have (which depending on turn out, may include the guitars and percussion). You will be the driving force behind the band.
5. Lyricist. Ha, fooled you, punk music doesn’t have intelligent lyrics, it’ll just be me screaming profanity into a Mic.
6. Stage crew. Hey, we need someone more useless than us to boost our egos.

As you can see, with no talent and only minimal effort, one can draw a punk band out of the primordial ooze. Neither instrumental or vocal talents are needed, people will come see us because punk is cool regardless of how much we suck.

As a closing note, I don’t think anyone can fully comprehend how much I hate little high school pieces of shit who start no talent ass clown punk bands because they think it will make them cool. Taking a second to this are the same people who like everyone who comes out claiming to be punk.