I just watched Blade Trinity, and now I’m going to ruin it for you… if this does not sound like fun for all, quit reading. You’ve been warned.
Movie starts with some vampires unearthing Dracula – who apparently does exist, is the first of all vampires, and is “flawless.” That being said, he’s uglier than any other character in the movie – I guess they didn’t count that when looking at flaws.
Now, there’s a Blade fight scene where the vampires get him on video killing a human. Whistler warns Blade this is bad – gee, ya think? A while later government agents – vampires, humans, familiars – who knows – bust into Blade’s place kill Whistler and take him into custody.
Now, come to find out there’s another vampire hunting cult out there called the night stalkers – because the name “Care Bears” was taken – props for this insightful and humorous statement goes to Ryan Reynolds, who’s witty comments litter the rest of the show. And by litter, I mean like the trash you see along highways – except there were no crews to clean up after Ryan’s shit spewing.
New weapons are introduced by the night stalkers – most look cheesy and very plastic. I’m not talking about some add ons, this looked like a gun out of the wal-mart squirt gun aisle. The UV arc – something that takes a few seconds to start up and then looks more or less like a bow only has a UV light beam instead of a string.
Redeming qualities at this point:
1 – Hot chick bow sniping – you can’t go wrong with archery killing in
an action movie, and I’m willing to bet that the majority of Blade
fans are interested in hot women.
2 – A nerd who’s asked “have you ever been laid?” by Benny. To which he replies “Many times, with ladies.”
This of course is similar to in Road Trip when the nerd brags about sex
… “with a girl.” Why is this necessary???
Anyway, back to the synopsis of the movie. This is when it gets really good. Blade and Ry-ry hop in their GMC SUV. Now flash to the back see and see hot chick there checking off songs on a list on her iBook. Ryan: “Shes making a play list. She likes to listen to MP3’s when she hunts. Like her own internal soundtrack, you know… darkwhore triphop… whatever kids are listenting to these days.” Thanks Ryan, you’ve proven your use to the world as a giant douche again. More importantly though we got to see her putting songs on her iPod. Now for the speical part, she only listens to it while in the SUV with her computer. You’d think she’d keep listening while fighting, but no. So, this means she made a playlist to listen to on her iPod while in the SUV with her laptop right there – isn’t the iPod for when you don’t have a computer handy? I guess not when it comes to advertising.
Now, these three go to find Mr. Dracula – and succeed. This alone is quite amazing but never mind that. They find him, and he proceeds to run from Blade like the world’s biggest pussy. Eventually he steals a baby and uses that to distract Blade long enough to escape. As we will see later, he could have killed Blade right here, but doesn’t.
Eventually he comes back to the night stalker’s complex and kills most everyone. He takes Ryan and the little girl they keep around hostage, and Blade and hot chick aren’t there at the time. Now we switch to the interrogation of Ryan, where he continues with his enlightening chit-chat while getting the shit beat out of him. One cool thing at this point is that the vampires made a vampire Pomeranian. You gotta love a fuzz ball that wants to eat people. This beating and berating of Ryan last for about 15 minutes.
Finally, Blade and chica track down Ryan and we get into a 15 minute fight scene with all the vampires – especially Dracula. One notable scene is when the girl uses the UV beam deal – it’s up and out in a split second – in contrast to the few seconds it took when being demonstrated. Oh well, I guess this must be forgiven, because it happened in Star Wars also (and Star Wars cannot be wrong). Eventually Dracula transforms into his standard big purple armor plated self and starts layin’ the smack down on Blade. Fortunately, by this time the night stalkers have invented a vampire virus which conveniently needs only be mixed with Dracula’s blood to be complete. Naturally Blade stabs Dracula with the virus, killing him and all the other vampires. If only Dracula had killed Blade earlier when he had the chance instead of running like a 12 year old.
Anyway, the plot left something to be desired, and the fight scenes took up a good chunk of the movie as expected. The above numbers are approximations, but not exaggerations. The biggest annoyance to me was the ipod product placement – it was marvelously contrived and stuck out like a sore thumb. It would be fine if we just saw one in use, but to center a dialog around it? WTF? By the way, I would probably be more convinced to buy one if I just saw it than if my movie were interrupted by a discussion of it. Oh yeah, later we go back and see her making a new play list including a lot of Jurassic 5. This wasn’t s blatant and probably would have blended
fine if the previous ipod shenanigans hadn’t occured.
That’s my two cents on Blade Trinity. Actually, it might be worth more like $7 and two hours of your if you read this and save money by deciding to do something other than going to see the movie.
